blue throat

today i discovered the tupelo tree, also known as a water tupelo which grows in the southern swamplands. much like the evergreen camphor in my yard, it grows tall and full, but lacks the droppings of yellow flowers. according to an arborist at uc davis, it's an ideal tree for an area that needs privacy because of its dense canopy.

heartache is a terrible thing. i think heartache is not worth the risk of being in love. even if, ultimately, you are the source of your own heartache. the question is...what is your ideal dystopia? or should i say anti-utopia? fine, fine. an oxymoron..but not a conundrum by any means. my anti-utopia is easy to answer, but difficult to exercise. if only i controlled both halves of the chess board, but not like a dictator, more like a "catharina gets her cake and eats it too". i see all parties benefiting here. but like i said, heartache is such a terrible terrible feeling. it's the kind of thing that makes your throat knot up in the afternoons and evenings and makes you wake up thinking it'll be okay if you can just make it through the day without thinking about it all too much. maybe i need some kind of emotional cleansing apparatus like a hemodialysis machine, but for heartache and not kidney failure. not to forget the past, but just to remove the waste that old love leaves in the body. that would be good for both of us.


i love my porch. a solid porch bench is an absolute must have for an old bungalow. and best of all, i have a new friend out here whose name is Brown Thrasher. hes a singer in his own right. he probably knows at least 1,000 songs by heart, and none of them contain the word "georgia" or "loverboy"...which is alright with me.

the trash collectors are nice out here. they wave to people. my neighbor calls them her "good friends". she grew up in vegas. i learned that today after a brief two week hiatus of not talking because of an argument over the camphor. i hugged her and told her i was sorry we argued. i didn't know trees could cause heartache, but they can too.

today i ate a coconut cupcake. thanks to keith, i ate salad and a coconut cupcake, because i might have stayed in bed for another 24 hours if it wasn't for being dragged out for mixed greens with balsamic vinegar dressing and for coconut. food didn't make me feel better inside, it never does, but the coconut flakes were pretty to look at before i ate them. a visit to philips bakery has a way of making me want to embrace my inner cake decorator. i know its in there. if my heart (and my brain) were kinds of cakes, they would be multilayered, with deep blue oceans along the sides, and bright flowers along the edges, with cut outs of paper people with big eyes and blue throats and edible confetti hearts scattered on top.

that's depressing.

i give the one tupelo i saw an A.

Posted by Catharina